How will I ever love another child as much I love the one I already have? Will I be enough, have enough, stretch enough to raise another child?

 

These are the questions that every parent asks themselves when they decide to grow their family. It was no different for Corey and I. We knew we wanted to have another child, but we worried about what that would mean for Braydon. We wondered if we could ever love someone as much as we loved him. Our love for Braydon consumes us. Every happy, angry, frustrating, magical moment fills our hearts so fully. Was there enough love to go around?

 

Then we had Alice and our questions were answered. We are enough, have enough, and stretch enough. She is our sunshine, our missing piece, our baby girl and once again we are consumed.

 

This past weekend I had an epiphany that I would like to share with all of you. The anniversary of our 'almost' day with Hallie is quickly approaching and there are so many unanswered questions. I have been struggling. I miss her so much and think of her daily. I have been shedding a lot of tears as I remember the events of this time last year. Every day, I relive another memory. I remember the pain and anxiety, followed by the immense grief of learning Hallie would not be coming home.

 

On top of all of this, I have been feeling an immense amount of guilt. Guilt around how much I love Hallie and how deeply I want her to be mine. Does wanting Hallie mean that I don't want Alice…? Or does loving Hallie mean that I love Alice less…? One would not exist without the other. Losing Hallie means I got to find Alice. This journey, including all the pain, brought me to Alice, so shouldn't I be feeling thankful?

 

Then it hit me - I shouldn't have to choose between Hallie and Alice, just like I would never choose between Braydon and Alice. I have enough for all three of them. My love for my children (and my 'almost' child) is infinite. My love for one does not take away from the other. This has been one of the most freeing revelations I have has since bring Alice home.

 

I have been writing blogs about our journey with Alice, but I never finish them. Something has been holding me back. Now, I think that I have been overwhelmed with guilt. I want to share every detail of Alice Ray. The phone call when I found out she was born. The facetime call to CJ immediately following. Sitting in my neighbor's house shaking in disbelief. Pulling my 'mama bear' hat out of the closet. Wearing it as I frantically cleaned and packed. Meeting Alice's Birth Parents. Meeting Alice. Holding her for the first time. The hours we spent in the nursery alone with her. Waiting for paperwork to be completed. Saying goodbye to Alice's Birth Parents. Putting Alice in the car. Crawling in the backseat to stare at her, while CJ drove. Coming home to balloons and food. Alice being inconsolable until she burped. Braydon holding her. Our first night home. And every single milestone since then.

 

Alice is a special special girl. I cannot wait to document all of the moments that lead us to her. I want to share about the first couple days home and all the beautiful, messy days we have had since then. I also want to share our next steps. Our adoption journey is not over and we are looking forward to some special days coming up before the end of the year.

 

That said, I also want to document our ongoing experience of a failed adoption because the two journeys coexist. We are living with grief and happiness at the same time. And that's okay. Today, I have decided to give myself permission to love Hallie and Alice fiercely and simultaneously…. (And Braydon too!)

 

We miss you Hallie Rose. Here is to a happy 'almost' day.

 

XO&