I wrote my last update after a conversation with my therapist, in which she encouraged me to write more often. “If you don’t want to write for the blog, then just write for you,” she said. That was so bizarre to me. I know many people who journal and I think that is great, but I couldn’t picture myself sitting down and just writing. Pen to paper? Definitely not. So I started my last update and after I wrote it, I had no intention of posting it. It was too vulnerable, too real and too taboo. That said, I felt like I needed to share it. So I asked CJ to read it. He hugged me tight and I could feel that he was worried about me. No. No. No. “Please don’t worry or feel bad for me. This is just me and I am going to be okay.”

A day later, I felt brave. It was surprisingly freeing sharing with someone, so I sent the update to two of my dearest closest friends. Again, I told them to please not worry or feel bad for me. I just want to be more open.

Something about written communication is pretty amazing. My friends wrote back beautiful kind messages. Things we would want to say to each other, but have a hard time coming up with the words. And they encouraged me to share. “It is important.”

I had almost forgotten about the update until I saw my therapist again. Those therapists, they get you every time. In this session, we were talking about ‘old’ Grace. I described her as bold, fearless, incapable of NOT sharing her mind and I instantly decided I had to post the update online.

This entire journey has led me to people I had lost touch with, grown apart from and even people with whom we had a not so pretty falling out. People have shared there stories. Words of support, but this last post. Wow. This life makes us feel like we are all so different, but it turns out that almost everyone feels empty, tired and scared. My heart has been warmed so deeply. I didn’t know that was even possible. I see more of the ‘old’ me every single day. So, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

On the adoption front, we received two new potential matches on Monday April 1st. Can you get two matches at once, you ask. Well, technically no. However, since we had an unsuccessful match with the agency in OK they have been sending us matches in addition to CO. So we received a matched from CO and OK within hours of each other. The agencies have agreed to stagger their meetings with the birth mothers so we can potentially have our profile shown at both. The first birth mother should chose today. If we are not chosen, we will most likely submit our profile to the other birth mother who will chose Thursday. We have had some back to back matches before, but this ladies and gentlemen is a first.

Also, for transparency, I hate sharing about matches while they are in the works. It puts a lot of pressure on me to keep everyone informed, which I simply can not do. So please be patient with me. I will share when I am ready to share. But, in the spirit of being BOLD I am trying to share more often. Cross all your fingers and toes.

XO&.