Empty. Stuck. Tired. These are the words I chose when my therapist asked how I feel in the 'dark' days.

I have been seeing a therapist for about a month now and I love it. I wish I had been seeing her throughout this entire process. If you are on the fence about seeing a therapist - do it! And don't look back. This past month has been filled with healing. I even have days where my head feels clear! I can think and have energy to be well - me! Most days though, I still feel empty, stuck and tired.  

The best way I can describe my current state is an out of body experience. I feel as though I am a bystander and I am outside of myself. It feels as if I am hovering over my physical body watching a version of myself that is a stranger. An empty version of myself. I can see that is me, but I do not recognize anything about myself. How did I get here? I see a Grace that from the outside in looks unfamiliar. A deteriorating version of me, wrinkles, weight gain, acne, none of this is me. And then below the physical shell, I am reserved and lonely. Depleted.

I miss the old Grace. I miss the energy, charisma and determination. I used to describe myself as bubbly and passionate. A great mother. Friend. Sister. But now, I do not have the energy to answer the phone. To make plans. To even talk to my closest friends and family. People ask me how I am, but do they actually want to know? Do they want to hear yet another tail of disappointment and rejection because I sure don't. But that is all I have to offer. There is nothing else to share. I am stuck in a cycle of anticipation, hope and then rejection. It is like I am stuck in thick heavy mud. Mud of my own making and all I want is to move forward. To move backwards. Just move. But, I try to take a step and I am told no. Just keep sinking.

My therapist agrees that this version of myself is a stranger. She says I should be kind to this version of Grace because it is a part of me. Just a part that I have never got to know before. But then again, I have never been in a situation quite like this before. A situation where I am so stuck and so scared. I am so scared to keep going. I am scared to try again. To lose again. To be told 'no' again. To be sad again. I just want out. But yet, I try and try again because the only thing scarier then moving forward is an even greater fear of not moving forward. Scared to stay. Scared to stop. But, I am sure as hell WAY too scared to not keep trying. Because my biggest fear is that if I do not go forward I will continue to be stuck. Physically stuck, but also stuck with a version of myself that I simply do not like. And frankly, a lot of other people do not like either.

Through this process, I have experienced the loss of Hallie. But I have also experienced the loss of some of my closest and dearest friendships. People who have decided they don’t like this new version of Grace. I do not blame them. I don't particularly like her either, but I can't leave. They can. So each day, I try to be kind to myself. I try to take a step. A step towards a way out. I tell myself I am worthy and then there is another 'no'. A constant stream of positive reinforcement that maybe I am just as bad as I fear I am.