Since the last update, we have been working with both the Oklahoma and Colorado agencies to determine our next steps. From both an emotional and financial standpoint, the biggest questions were (1) can we financially keep pursuing adoption? and (2) do we even want to?

 

Our first step was to settle our account with the OK agency, which took about two weeks. We had already paid the full estimated cost of the adoption placement, so we were provided an invoice that outlined the costs incurred to-date. I have received a lot of questions about why/what we were being billed for, so here it goes.

 

Our final invoice included the following charges:

• Agency Administration Fee
• Birth Mother Intake Fee
• Agency Application Fee
• Case Workers Billed Hours
• Court Filing Fees
• Birth Mothers Living Expenses for the Months of September, October and November

 

In previous posts, I mentioned that it is typical in domestic private adoption for the adoptive family to provide assistance with living expenses. This surprises a lot of people, but these are my thoughts. Each state has regulations on how much financial assistance a birth mother (BM) is able to receive. Some states have a maximum dollar amount of $5000, while others have no limit. Either way, as part of BM's intake the case worker will go through BM's finances. Together they determine how much assistance is needed per month. The case worker also provides a lot of education regarding the costs associated with raising a baby to help the birth parents determine if they can financially support a child. Once BM selects a family, the case worker is responsible for paying BM's bills, so there is no transfer of money directly to BM.

 

There are two main reasons I think financial assistance is critical. First, before baby is born they are solely dependent on their BM. So if BM is cold or hungry or stressed, then so is baby. As a hopeful adoptive parent, I find comfort in knowing that if BM is safe, so is my future baby. Second, the majority of BM's are in bad situations, which may be a contributing factor in their adoption plan. Providing any amount of financial assistance can make a huge difference to a woman trying to get back on her feet and let's face it -- People sometimes need a break. Not to mention that this woman is and will always be a part of your life. She is your child's BM. Forever.

 

In the case of Hallie, BM had three months of living expenses paid. Hopefully, that provides some context if you are wondering why someone would pretend to pursue adoption… And to be fair, maybe BM genuinely did change her mind and decide to parent? But maybe our agency is right and BM never intended to place… Either way, I have never spent so much on a heartbreak. Next time I will just buy a car! :)