The youngest childhood memory I have was the night we went to the airport to meet my younger brother, Christopher. Christopher was adopted at approximately two months old and that night he had flown from New Jersey to join our family. I remember the snowy night and being snuggled in blankets during the drive to the airport. I remember walking to the gate and seeing him for the first time. At the time this occurred, I was a few months shy of 4 years old. I remember feeling like Christopher was MY baby brother, even though he was technically the fifth child. I was finally the BIG sister and I took the job very seriously. We played and laughed… I may have also dressed him up like a doll and called him Rose… Sorry Chris. :)

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about how the adoption experience may effect Braydon, for better or for worse. Braydon is now almost three and half years old and in the past year alone the amount of information that he has absorbed is pretty phenomenal. He can proudly recite the months of the year, days of the week, planets and all the continents. He knows how to count to 100 by ones and by tens. He can count to 1000 by hundreds. The list goes on and on. [Side note: Isn't it wild to think about what kids can achieve in one year of life? At what age does that stop!?]

He also knows three, sometimes four, of the 50 United States:

1.      Colorado - "Duh, Mommy.. We live in Denver, Colorado."

2.      New Mexico - "My Pampa and Granny live farrr away in New Mexico."

3.      Florida - "Where does Auntie Becca live buddy?"

• 50% of the time: "Ummmm, ummmm, ummmm….."

• The other 50% of the time: "Uhh Auntie Becca, Cousin Elaina, Cousin Olivia AND Uncle Carlos live in Florida…"

4.      Oklahoma - "My baby sister lives in Oklahoma."

When we went to Oklahoma to visit Birth Mom (BM), we brought home some gifts. A toy Southwest airplane, OK Christmas ornaments (we get an ornament every time we travel), a stuffed giraffe with a recording of Hallie's heartbeat inside and the book 'O is for Oklahoma.' He loves reading that book at bedtime and it has been read a lot in the past month, so Braydon naturally knows a lot about Oklahoma.

[Side note number 2: Corey reads Braydon bedtime stories nearly 99% of the time. So recently, when I was reading, I mispronounced a word in Braydon's Oklahoma book. He promptly corrected me and I responded, "Sorry buddy, Daddy is a better reader than Mommy." Now Braydon keeps telling people… "Ohhh my Mommy doesn't know how to read well… Only my Dadddy… Poor Mommy…" Haha. Remember the good old days when he forgot what I used to say to him?]

Leading up to the due date, there were several adoption red flags that I mentioned in earlier posts. On November 1st (Hallie's due date), BM and I exchanged text messages for the first time. We small talked about Halloween and I asked her to confirm her induction date. She joked that she was done being pregnant and confirmed her induction was scheduled for November 9th. Little did I know that those text messages would be our first and last.

We had planned to have Braydon stay with Grandpa and Granny while we traveled to Oklahoma. The day before the scheduled induction date his grandparents graciously drove to Denver to pick him up. We knew at this point that there was uncertainty in the adoption, but we also knew induction day would be emotional. We all agreed that it would be best for Braydon to be somewhere else, even if we ended up not travelling.

Our plan for Friday was to wait by the phone for updates from our case worker, Natalie. Natalie was going to meet BM at the hospital and she would let us know if/when we should get on plane. Friday was a rollercoaster. We both woke up super early. We couldn't sleep. We watched Deadpool and Deadpool 2. We were optimistic, scared and irritable. Fast forward, Natalie arrived at the hospital, but BM did not. There was no need to say it. We knew it was the end. Our adoption placement was not going to happen.

We spent one week processing our failed placement before Braydon came home. A week that I am beyond thankful for. I talk about feelings a lot with Braydon. I share with him when I am happy, nervous, frustrated and angry. I try to apologize when I overreact. Teach by example, right?? That said, Braydon definitely did not need to see his parents devastated the way we were that week.

At the one week mark, I drove to Alamosa to pick Braydon up. This is the halfway point between our house and his grandparents. I was so ready to have him home and he was ready to come home -- he had been asking to come home for several days. As I drove the four hour stretch, I felt sick and honestly mad. How can I tell him that we didn’t get to bring Hallie home?

He loved Hallie. He talked about her often. He proudly announced to his preschool class that he was going to be a BIG Brother, which subsequently prompted a lot of people congratulating me for being pregnant… :) Even the night before he left for New Mexico, he was showing off to his grandparents and sang:

"January, February, March and April. May, June, July and August. September, October, November…. -- Ohhh Wait! My baby sister lives in November!!"

Corey and I told him the news together when we got home. We explained that BM had changed her mind and that Hallie was going to stay with her. His eyes filled with tears and he said, "That makes me feel sad." We told him we were sad too and being sad was okay. I thought he would shrug it off, but he didn’t. Instead he told us that he was still Hallie's BIG brother and that we could keep looking for a baby. Thinking about his response makes my heart break. I wish my three year old never had to learn the hard truth that sometimes babies don't get to come home. Sometimes people break promises. Sometimes people lie.

The past year has also been the start of some hard conversations we've had with Braydon. I will never forget explaining why he never got to play with sweet baby Isabel before she went to heaven. Now he isn't going to play with Hallie, the baby sister he was so excited for. Will he think, wow this whole baby thing is very unlikely? Will he think that losing a baby is more normal than not? It is easy for us grownups to understand that losing Isabel and our failed adoption of Hallie are completely different, even if they both hurt… But does Braydon? At an age where he is learning and remembering so much, all I can hope for is that this is not his first childhood memory. With some luck his first memory will be as happy as mine, the night I met Christopher.

But is luck even real? No seriously - What do you think? Because the truth is that in the world of adoption, we are unlucky. Our agency has had two failed adoptions this year total. We were the second and the odds of us experiencing a failed adoption were so slim…. I guess it is time to play the lottery? Those are odds that I don't mind beating.

In all seriousness, I will never stop worrying about Braydon. To me, that is part of being a mom. As badly as I want to make his world as shiny and beautiful as possible, I wouldn't have done it differently. We have been given a lot of advice on this journey. A lot of adoption alumni insist that it is best to be guarded. Don't tell people until it is final. But that's not me -- Any advice on how to explain grownup things to little people?

Thank you for letting me share this journey.

Waiting for our 'One in a Million.' May the odds be ever in your favor...

XO&