After our last match with Brighton Baby Boy, we had a approximately a week and a half without any matches -- which was very healing. I have always been an emotionally charged person. Highs are high. Lows feel very very low. There is a saying, "It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply." This has always resonated deeply with me and it could not be more fitting. Adoption is an emotional rollercoaster and has taken a toll on my physical and emotional health. So having a week 'off' from the waiting was a big weight off of my shoulders that I didn't realize was getting heavier and heavier. I think my heart needed time to process the last couple months and matches/babies that we didn't get to bring home.

This past weekend, Corey was out of town for a Bachelor Party in Lake Tahoe having all kinds of fun with little to no cell service. On Saturday morning, I got a call from our Caseworker. There was a match with a Baby Girl in Tulsa, OK who was born the day before, 7/27/18. Her birth mother was interested in adoption and wanted to look at family profiles. I immediately said yes without even consulting Corey -- but luckily, when I did get a hold of him he agreed! We were told that if the birth mother selected our family, we needed to travel to Tulsa, OK as soon as possible.

Longest two days ever. I tried to be calm. I packed a baby bag. I did laundry. I cancelled plans. (Again, thank you for giving me grace!) I put together a crib while Braydon played with his IPAD babysitter. On Sunday, we received zero updates and we knew that was not a good sign. When Monday morning came, we received confirmation that the birth mother decided to parent after receiving a lot of pressure from her family. Her and Baby Girl had left the hospital Sunday evening. I was physically sick from the stress. Then, less than a half an hour later, we got another email with a new match. You would think I would be thrilled, but it felt like a sucker punch. I could barely wrap my head 'losing' the Tulsa Baby Girl I had been dreaming of all weekend and I was already supposed to move on to the next? I couldn't do it, SO -- we didn't.

I am so thankful for a husband who wants a baby as badly as I do. I am also so thankful for a husband who puts my heart above anything else in the world. It breaks my heart to say 'no' to another baby, but my heart was broken. I could not invest in a new baby with a broken heart. It wasn't fair to me and it wasn't fair to baby.

In total, the past 2 months have brought us 8 matches/babies which we were not selected for. That is almost a baby a week! Isn't that crazy to even think about? I almost dread getting another match because I do not want to be told no, but if that's what it takes to find our missing piece then I am going to 'Mom-Up' and do it. I love you future baby.

In the meantime, we are scheduled to complete our Home Study addendum on Monday, which will be a relief to get crossed off of our to-do list. The addendum is $300, 1 hour and a new safety check of our house. It should be relatively painless. :) We are also taking a mini-vacation this Saturday and staying one night at the Great Wolf Lodge. I am looking forward to some carefree fun with just Braydon, Corey and I.

Ohhh sweet Braydon… He has been the best during this process and he continues to be more empathetic and honestly crazy smart. How is he only 3?

Story 1: Braydon has been relatively consistent about wanting a little brother. With the match in Tulsa being a Baby Girl, I asked him what he thought about having a little sister instead. He says to me "No mommy, I need a little brother so that I can be the big brother…" SO. Smart. When I explained he would be the big brother regardless of what gender his new baby sibling is, I think it was pretty mind-blowing.

Story 2: Dalen (aka Aunt DayDay), one of my close friends, picked Braydon up from school yesterday. She is currently just starting her third trimester with her first baby girl. So baby girl kicks her… hard… and she lets out a little yelp.

B: "Aunt DayDay… You okay?"

D: "Yeah Braydon, the baby kicked me!"

B: "Ohhh yeahhh, my baby is kicking me too…"

D: " You have a baby too?"

B: "Yeah, I have a baby in my belly. I am making it for Mommy…."

Wow. He is a cool kid. He warms my heart and is just so stinking kind. I don't know how we got so lucky with that boy, but he is going to be the best big brother EVER. Big Brother Braydon loves you too future baby.

(Oh… And so does Daddy… And all the other people in our Village.)

 XO&

 Waiting for our missing piece…