We also received one match with a birth mother in Pheonix, AZ which, due to many reasons, we ultimately decided wasn’t a fit for our family. So we chose not to submit our profile. That was quite an experience in itself. If you were to tell me 10 months ago I would ever say ‘no’ to a baby, I would have never believed you.

The influx of matches has been a blessing, but also overwhelming. With each match, it is impossible not to imagine that baby joining our family. I find myself genuinely believing that this is the one and I feel like the mom that cried ‘Baby’! More often than not, the week when the birth mother is choosing is brutal. Even more brutal is hearing “I’m sorry. She chose a different family.”

It’s hard not to wonder why you are not being chosen. Is our family not good enough? But we are holding on to the fact that our perfect match is out there. 

I’ve been feeling the adoption blues. With each unsuccessful match, my heart is more broken, I am more devastated, and I feel like I am grieving a baby I’ve lost. I feel guilty even saying that because so many families experience true loss of a child. I know that these babies are being placed with wonderful families. Yet, it feels like a loss. It’s an indescribable feeling to lose a baby that was never yours to begin with. I could compare it to miscarriage, but I am not sure that is even right. 

So how have I been coping? Well I’ve painted an accent wall, our front door, the nursery, and our master bedroom and bathroom. Painting has been a welcomed task to keep me busy. I’ve also stop answering my phone, returning text messages, and with every  match the number of people I tell is less and less. I don’t want to break any of my family or friends hearts when we are not selected. I also don’t want to have to deliever that news. I know this may be unfair because our village has helped us to this point and will continue to move us forward. 

In happier news, I painted the nursery an ombré yellow to represent sunshine and it is adorable! Also, Braydon has decided he would like both a baby brother and sister... crazy if that it foreshadowing! Who wants to move in if we get twins!? Haha! 

We love you all. Thank you for giving us grace. I hope this helps get a glimpse of where we are. Don’t worry. Our perfect baby (or babies) are out there! 

XO& - Grace