5/14/21

I am in the process of reimagining everything I had planned. I am walking forward, but the horizon is now empty, and our timeline is nonexistent. I am no longer sure where I'm going exactly because the destination seems to pull farther away with every step toward it. But life is always funny and complex and confusing and beautiful. Almost nothing else in my life went how I planned it, but I have been the better for it because God's imagination has proven to be much better than mine.

I remember the first month of paperwork in 2017. We had just made this huge, life-changing decision to adopt, and I was frantic to complete the forms and requirements in record time. I was actually trying to set a record. I felt like every wasted moment was a scar on Asher. The faster I could get him out of there, the better. I expedited everything, stayed up late, scheduled appointments, wrote essays and letters, and compiled my documents to send to the agency. If I had known that things would go like this and take this long, would I still have worked so fast and pushed so hard? Absolutely! Even though our excitement has been turned to disappointment and our urgency has been replaced by patience, I am happy that I'll be able to tell Asher some day that I did the best I could and worked as quickly as possible to get him home. Any delays are by God's design, even though I don't understand them.

Our documents are complete now, thank God! But now we are held up by politics and closed borders. China has said it will eventually open its borders for adoptions, but everything seems uncertain to me. While we are waiting for an unknown date, all of our documents could expire again, and we'll be doing almost everything over for the fourth or fifth time. (Oof. That was frustrating to type.) We still have no pictures or updated information on him. Gosh, I wish I could at least have a picture.

For most people, last year was unscripted and possibly chaotic at times. We won't have the birds-eye view on all of it for years, but we have to resist the urge to try to control outcomes. We should always do the best we can with the moments we are in and trust God to use all of our efforts and intentions to produce true beauty and goodness.

"Though the fig tree does not blossom
And there is no fruit on the vines,
Though the yield of the olive fails
And the fields produce no food,
Though the flock is cut off from the fold
And there are no cattle in the stalls,
Yet I will [choose to] rejoice in the Lord;
I will [choose to] shout in exultation in the [victorious] God of my salvation!"

Habakkuk 3:17‭-‬18 AMP